Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
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I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
Weighing up my bread heating options
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
I needed a laugh this morning.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
Alexa: *deep breath*
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH