Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[in someone else’s master bathroom]

5-year-old: They have two sinks.

Me: Yeah.

5: One for each hand.

Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busy

Friend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE

teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?

[house hunting]

Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!

Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!

Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.

A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.

I don’t trust people with less than five french fries under their driver’s seat.

Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.

me: my friends:

My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.

Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.

Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.

[in crowded elevator]

Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?

[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*

Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?

Them: That’s called flavour

Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it

*opens present

HER: What is this?

ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.

HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?

A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”

In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter

An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google

5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times

3: ok. sorry fifty times

You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”

tried to buy two florentine cookies and the guy at Canter’s was like “better make it 6 actually” and I was like “ok”

I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*

my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped

Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?

I know a bad idea when I see one.

[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*

Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.

Lifeguard:

Me:

Lifeguard:

Me:

Lifeguard: I’ll say it again. We don’t handle people who are drowning financially.

I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.