professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
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My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
Battery falling down a hole
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
According to math, I’m broke
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved