Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.

Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.

I don’t trust people with less than five french fries under their driver’s seat.

“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory

The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.

SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT

[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots

I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.

I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.

The fact that we don’t hear the words “free quote” and burst into laughter always amazes me. You aren’t going to charge me to tell me what you’ll charge me? Calm down, Karl Marx.

My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.

asking santa clause for nudes

My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen

Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.

[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted

I’m the neighbor

very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids

I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits

My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.

Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?

Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕

Pac-Man: again?

Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one

about to have the best blueberries of my life

Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?

My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.

[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?

me: sure. you look like a Tiffany

barista: no i mean a name for the order

me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”

Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.

Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*

here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome

dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor

I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.

Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.

#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning

They say your home is your castle.

But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops