Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.

That’s a lie.

On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.

older women will do that thing you like.

~bake cookies

Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*

Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.

If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely

More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america

[At the pearly gates]

Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?

Saint Peter: the book was so much better.

I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?

Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.

Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.

Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.

Daughter:

[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay

Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?

Me: Too late?

Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact

I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.

Voter fraud started when I lost People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive in 1997.

Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.

I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.

[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]

Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs

I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.

Him: You’re married?

Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.

Him: What about on Friday?

Me: Depends how Thursday goes.

Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.

my dentist & his assistant stare gleefully at me, waiting for me to sign the document that would give them the legal authority to install an extra row of teeth in my mouth just like sharks have

Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…

1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me

“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”

A haunted house but it’s just people making different mouth noises in every room

I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party

#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.

Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.

I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen

Me: that curry was delicious. What was in it?
Hannibal Lecter: it’s a family recipe.
Me: Can I get a spoon to finish off the sauce?
Hannibal: Just mop it up with your nan.