Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.

SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom

Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.

Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore

Why is my body betraying me, I give it as much strawberry quik and cookies as it wants

*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*

When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love

A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.

My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time

Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”

3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”

Me: “Did you throw the ball?”

3: “No, my bat did.”

A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.

I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.

[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]

ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime

DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?

ME: this chair isn’t regulation height

“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”

When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?

I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.

What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?

There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.

[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*

Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”

My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.

I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.

My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name

nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town

“Omg, I know where that is!!”

I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.

squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”

Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.

I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”

Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls

Friend: how many?

Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny