professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
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“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
when dads have a rap battle
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
roses are red
i fall when i skate
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
they say if you lose one of your senses the others become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day just by looking at them
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
Not to brag, but my husband and I are crushing it—we haven’t had a single fight all year.
A Match(.com), but for socks.
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.