professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
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christening a ship with an overripe banana
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?