professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
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the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
I use a wheelchair. I carry a copy of a Stephen King book about a murderous clown. I just roll with IT.
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
My neighbours say I should travel more, and further away, for longer
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
47 years ago today, Soap debuted.
We don’t talk enough about how brilliant and underrated this show was.
This scene. 😂😂😂
he was correct
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof