professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
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Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.