Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor

If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.

my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works

Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl

My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao

My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.

Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay

*goes to bed

How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra

My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.

It’s an onion.

My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.

having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse

For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.

me:

professor x: yes, i can read minds

me:

professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one

Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming

friend: how did the neck surgery go?

me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.

[spelling bee]

moderator: your word is abandon

me: can you use it in a sentence?

moderator: everyone you love will abandon you

me: omg

moderator: lol no not even close

“You handled that with such grace” are words that have never been spoken to me.

There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.

When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”

Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.

DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight

KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?

DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea

If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.

me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed

GF: it’s ok lol

[middle of the night]

me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana

Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.

Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.

Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.

“we will go ahead and make these changes if we don’t hear from you before friday” is such an elegant way to solve problems

Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.

doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live

me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure

doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure

If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.

Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.