Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers

364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today

This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.

Pretty ironic if you ask me.

Genie: you have three wishes.

Me: i want a million wishes.

Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!

Me if I was a dog

Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?

If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.

In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.

I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.

“I got you, babe.”

– kidnappers

Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.

I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.

Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.

What’s your favorite position?

Me: sleeping

[ day 2 of self quarantine ]

me: i’m bored

my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe

I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.

I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.

Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe

Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.

Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.

Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.

broke down and did it

If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.

My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.

Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?

Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot

A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.

Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old

-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid

Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?

I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro

*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages