Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at restaurant]

Me: What’s under all that garnish?

Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.

I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.

Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns

I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.

If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems

[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*

[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*

If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.

Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try

If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!

*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.

“When I was your age, I already owned a house”

I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.

son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka

Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it

They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.

I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.

ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.

ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*

Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.

vampire: *goes to bite me*

me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh

upon my death:

1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case

I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.

My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.

Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”

Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”

Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?

Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.

I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.

The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.

Shame, he’s very attractive.

a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?

A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50

Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.

[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”

[traffic stop]

Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?

Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.