Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?

[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*

Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.

Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.

More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.

I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment

I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.

Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?

A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.

anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”

A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram

“you’re a psychopath” at least i’m on a path babe sort your life out

Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.

Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.

“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”

me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it

In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.

just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook

This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.

You, idiot: Bill Gates

Me, a genius: Invoice Doors

I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian

The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo

Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..

Therapist: is this true?

Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]

[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]

Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.

I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.

These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.

I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.

[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute

Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread

Seal:

me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol

[later]

Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before

My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.

Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise

My body: You’re hungry

Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness

Body: eat literally any food

Me: will I ever know peace again?

There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t