Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan

My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.

[at a dinner party]

Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?

Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*

Me: you’re all blocking the table

[cockroach crawls by]

Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?

*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*

Me: Not that one.

[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy

I’m probably too old to be driving around the roundabout and thinking wheeeeee as I do it, but what the hell.

You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.

me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew

nurse: what mountain dew

me: it was on the bathroom counter

nurse: omg

me: what

nurse: u drank my mountain dew

Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.

It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST

For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.

Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.

If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.

If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???

When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange

My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE

Me: *gives her a little bit*

My Dog: I have diarrhea

Either there are two cops in my fridge or I’ve accidentally opened the front door again

Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.

“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.

“Same place you do,” she said.

“No, seriously-”

“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”

It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.

My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.

Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology

[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.

Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*

me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.

I just made the PERFECT phone call!

My parents didn’t answer.

I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.

You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?

That.

Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.

Bluesky is fine but every single post on my feed is talking about twitter and how much better things are than twitter and it’s giving big “oh I’m TOTALLY over my ex” vibes

opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are