Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
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*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord