Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
– you were in the corner
– in the spotlight
– losing your religion

Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?

I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.

5: let’s play the quiet game.

Me: Okay

5: ready..? Start.

Me:

5:

Me:

5: whoever talks first is the loser.

[arguing with my wife]

WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH

People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.

Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.

Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….

Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming

Skeleton: I’m you from the future

Me: how long?

Skeleton: 2 months

Me: are you here to warn me?

Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me

“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night

Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.

I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them

Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you

Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.

What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?

running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way

My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.

Heads up guys. It’s bloody Colin again. #DamnYouAutocorrect

An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.

If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies

ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me

Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”

(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot

Cop: My informant told me where the killer is

Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?

Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that

*googles how the hell I ended up here*

If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.

ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?

VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.

ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.

I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.