Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.

[1st night w/Russian bride]

“take yr panties off”

[smaller panties underneath]

“them too”

[even smaller panties underneath]

“damnit…”

So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.

Hot Panini is in big trouble

Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes

healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok

being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg

Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car

😁

My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice

Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)

my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something

i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do

Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?

[first 2 hours of meeting]

Coworker:

[last 2 minutes of meeting]

Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks

waiter: what would you like?

me: maybe the steak

waiter: and what about the duck?

duck: I’ll have the steak too

my card declined at subway and they started eating the sandwich in front of me

I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.

When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.

All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.

No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.

“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit

boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.

me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?

boss: yes of course but this is-

me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?

boss: -a funeral home.

The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.

Babe, I need $1000 to buy some crypto. This guy at the bowling alley explained how it works.

These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…

…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.

pony: is this your card?
me: yes! cool trick!
pony: thanks
me: can you do any others?
pony: *sighs* no

windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol

Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood

Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number

Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.

6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.