professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
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When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
A sick whale is called an unwhale
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the grenade launcher.
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
An AI comedian? The jokes write themselves.
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
titanic
🐱: “She’s injured, now is the time to strike!”
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.