Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea

my relationship with the mailman is pretty toxic. one day he brings me gifts and i love him 😍. the next day he brings me bills and i hate him 🤬. but he always comes back 😌

❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away

*rolls up sleeves*

*gets high on sleeves*

I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.

him: oh sorry I thought you worked here

me, in line at a haunted house: WOW

The timeline of microwave popcorn:

< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential

I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.

passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture

incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED

moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*

me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse

It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones

I had to show my contempt by grunting

Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.

Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it

BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula

Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.

“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”

– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers

all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person

Grateful for independence mostly because British food is gross

I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo

Eleven out of ten people are stupid.

You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.

Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.

My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.

I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.

[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”

Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need

11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”

Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.

[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!

cover letters are so embarrassing. why am i writing a love letter to this email job