Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.

I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.

Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.

My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.

Hope he finds a ride home.

can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead

I love furniture from the Edward Ian period. 😂

him: I love animals, especially dogs

me: *I could really like him*

him: birds too

me: *he’s dead to me*

I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.

Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.

ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?

Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation

The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs

Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*

*Grave robbers exempt.

Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.

Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.

To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.

I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently

dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy

tweeting shouldn’t cost money but it should flip you on your back like a bug for 15 minutes

Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.

I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.

Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.

P.S. Bring a spider.

*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*

Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous

I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.

[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]

Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened

I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.

*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!

The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing

People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud