Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.

DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple

The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”

That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”

[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]

Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.

They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.

therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.

Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.

Me: How was schoo—
5yo: LUNCH WAS CHEESE PIZZA AS BIG AS MY FACE. THEY HAVE IT EVERY DAY THIS WEEK.
Me: So it was—
5yo: I LOVE IT HERE. FIVE STARS

Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.

Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.

I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.

After having a week off, my boss returns to work today. please respect my privacy during this difficult time.

Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.

Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy

I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home

*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*

Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?

I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.

[pushing my son in his stroller]

Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?

Me: 35

Stranger: I was talking to him

Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.

You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.

Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.

During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”

I really had high hopes for this year though

I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.

Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.

Friends are like snowflakes.

If you pee on them they disappear.

[man walks into a bar]

Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!

need a SPY 2 where Melissa McCarthy and Jason Statham go undercover as Olympics breakdancers from a made-up country

Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people

[Star Wars Episode VII scene]

Princess Leia: I love you Han.

Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*