Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

welp

[pronounces modeling like yodeling]

new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby

friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop

Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to

friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha

Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that

put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream

Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?

Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.

A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon

Looking for investors

[Job Interview]

Boss: What’s your biggest wea-

Me: Interrupting people.

Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.

[working from home]

8:00am: wake up

8:30am: eat cereal

8:30-noon: can’t remember

noon: open laptop

noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”

12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up

12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up

1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp

i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission

Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?

5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.

Me:

Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were

Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.

Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope

me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?

mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”

Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?

Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.

*trimming the tree

Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.

her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes

trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”

Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.

“Don’t ask.”

– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask

You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?

Terminator: [arriving in 2024, current timeline] yikes, send me back

Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell

*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*

I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.

Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display

This made me chuckle.