professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
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I’m having my mother-in-law for Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow. She asked what she could bring. I said, “Bring some pie and cranberries and stuffing and mashed potatoes with gravy and a golden brown turkey.”
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
They should make a movie where Hannibal becomes giant and is eating everyone. Then he watches the Ring tape on a giant screen and Sadako comes out and is huge and they fight
fly smarter, not harder
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
petition to add fitted sheet folding to the olympics.
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
#MeanwhileinCanada
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.