Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..

FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes

ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!

My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.

Deer are just ballerina dogs

I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.

I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.

me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house

son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me

me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books

I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.

“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”

THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap

my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated

“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches

Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.

I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.

Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.

My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.

I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.

We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”

I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous

The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.

If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.

Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me

Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”

I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.

Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught

DO YOU MEAN YOUR FRIEND GROUP?????

I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.

My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy

My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.