@TheAndrewNadeau

PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.

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@TheHyyyype

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me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports

her dad: that’s right

me: why

@gerryhatric

Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.

@LostFelicia

And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.

@bridger_w

I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is

@clichedout

nurse: height

me: i’m 6’4″

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me: wait for what

@AbbyHasIssues

Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.

@MadGamer79

It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.

@david8hughes

[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus

@BobTheSuit

I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.