gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
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Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
me: i’m 6’4″
me: wait for what
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.