Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
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Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.
#SaturdayBears
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
Voting for coroner
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*