Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.

Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥

Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex

Alex: Having one wife too many

Me: What is bigamy

Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy

Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”

my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house

I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.

I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..

Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂

Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE

Just once I’d like to be the DJ at an extravagant, subversive Goth masquerade ball and just throw on “Kokomo” by The Beach Boys when they least suspect it

Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.

7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?

ME: he’s a NASA scientist

*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*

Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.

[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”

When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.

Friend: not a fan.

Me: correct. you human.

Wanna know how to make your own beer? Just pour root beer into a square glass.

Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.

Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.

Your Czech is in the mail.

-Mail order brides

“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*

if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed

I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.

If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.

In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.

A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”

I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”

I still have dents in my head from sleeping in hair curlers

Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.

I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.