Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
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Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
Put the is in disheveled
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.