Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
Hear me out.
CROUTON BANGLES.
We have the technology.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
So sorry
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
It’s not a question of when will my daughter say mommy, it’s a question of when won’t she
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
My wife is napping quietly and the villain of this story is about to be this sneeze.
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
