Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
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I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”