Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb

[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]

‘But that means…’

[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]

Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.

I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared

Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*

He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.

Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face

Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.

I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.

me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?

some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”

horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!

So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”

Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?

i’m gonna allow it

After struggling for ages at this branch with a Smartboard that doesn’t work half the time, we finally talked the library system into replacing it with a Smartboard that works half the time.

Shout out to the lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo

Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*

My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.

Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.

Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”

Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass

Stop making fast and furious movies.

Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”

Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?

I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.

lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose

God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell

lucifer: what?

I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.

Netflix is doing a new show about a “psychic” who specializes in reading famous people. Y’know, the folks who do in-depth interviews and reality TV shows and write autobiographies.

“We never met, but somehow, he knew everything about me!”

Gee, how does he do it. So amazing.

[Vegan Conference]

Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves

Vegan: I’m a vegan

Vegan2: I’m also a vegan

I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”