Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The three ages of bureaucrat:

Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?

Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings

Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings

Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..

4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!

Hi, it’s me. The guy who was just complaining about it being to warm in November. You might think this would preclude me from *also* complaining about how cold it’s gotten now but I contain multitudes.

If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.

[in the woods]

Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*

Deer: I have a boyfriend

Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?

doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.

chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS

I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs

my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask

My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.

Got chased by a swan this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.

me: hey cat what are you up to

cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ

me: what

cat: meow

Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.

[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry

[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow

I threw away garbage.

In the garbage can.

The day after garbage day.

My husband is horrified with me.

Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland

The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot

Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.

-Ordering a pizza $40

-Having it delivered $5

-Having your kids eat the whole thing before you get home

Sliceless

Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.

Fortune Cookie:

You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.

Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.

[My first 4th of July in the States]

Me: so when do we fight the aliens?

Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.

Me: this is bullshit

Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.

When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right

*whispering to my belly fat*

I just can’t quit you.

Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.

[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?

I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.

me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table

they told me I could be anything and then they were like “lmao just kidding, you’re going to be a test subject in mankind’s fifteenth experiment to find out if expensive rent and food makes everyone lose their fucking minds”

Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar