Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
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Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
Wasps: bees, but not helping
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
Amazing how fast my addiction to my phone is cured the moment I get a phone call.
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
Grocery stores don’t change layouts to piss off the customers, they do it to piss off their employees. Trust me.
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney