PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
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If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
It’s that simple 👊🏻
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
All cookie dough is edible if you believe in yourself
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
“You handled that with such grace” are words that have never been spoken to me.
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”