Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the council will decide your fate

Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.

“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”

“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”

coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once

FRODO: what is it?

SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been

FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam

[literally one step later]

SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been

FRODO: wait no

Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.

“comparison is the thief of joy” well sure if you’re a loser

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.

When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.

“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.

[during sex]

Me: So do you LIKE like me or

Midwest trash talk

“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.

[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football

ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..

APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable

When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.

a pod of orcas just destroyed my skateboard

Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.

If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.

Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.

Scrolls Twitter

*throws phone in holy water

waiter: any water for the table

me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or

You’ve got some nerve

~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window

In case you haven’t checked Facebook,

It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!

If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.

Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone

workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them

My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”

What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.

[Driving by a massive pile up]

SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.

ME: It’s a collidascope.

SON:

WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.

Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of

9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.