Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur

I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.

The grumpy one is crab B.

[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage

“You want a BOOTH?!”

“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”

“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”

~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand

Suddenly there’s a toddler next to you. What does it want? You give it your business card.

What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?

“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.

The worst part about being drunk and seeing double is when you realize it’s just one slice of pizza

Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.

Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room

Saw your ex at the shops

“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.

Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.

Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!

~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.

back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus

My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive

Friend: She really likes you.

Me: Oh yeah?

Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.

Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.

“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”

Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.

[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard

[Grand Canyon]

*His screams echo as he falls to his death*

OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?

Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.

What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*Quicksand

What I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”

Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.

every time i talk it sounds like it’s my first time trying to speak

On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”

Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,

Come back to me.

Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.

Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?