Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball

I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”

Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.

Tears for Fears: Everybody wants to rule the world.

Me: Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.

My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying

We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.

Ants can be found on every continent except Antarctica, which is weird considering their name.

“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive

“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive

lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit

[swimming pool]

Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?

Lifeguard: that’s impossible

Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable

Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.

The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.

The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨

I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck

Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.

me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me

dad: and they like you?

me: haha oh goodness no

Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?

[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd

Kids be like. “Nice bathroom mirror. It would be a shame if I spat toothpaste all over it”

For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..

Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.

What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!

Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”

[hell]

Me: Why am I here?

Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.

Me: OK that’s fair.

Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?

Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.

Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?

Original Oreos.

Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”

Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”

H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”

I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.