Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
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“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.