Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
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No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
Well, this is awkward
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
incredible text to wake up to
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.