Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
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I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
When you’re here for the treats.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
Wile E. Coyote really threw himself into his paintings
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.