Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”

Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”

Vote for me I’ll cut the alphabet in half

[first day as an undercover cop]

mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan

me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?

hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.

Him: Are you always this socially awkward?

Me: Only when I’m in my human form.

Him: So always.

German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.

Not all heroes wear capes…

WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing

Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.

taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake

me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what

velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night

judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property

My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup

Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?

Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay home

Tomorrow: ok, the floor is lava

Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?

[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh

ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches

ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke

I think this might be relevant today.

Being a dog must be wild, everyone you meet is your masseuse

I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*

The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.

Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.

[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE

I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.

“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”

…uhhhh, for driving in space?

[Haunted house]

Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}

Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.

Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?

Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.

“Treat yourself,” they say.

“No, wait—not like that—”

But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair