Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War

Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…

Me: What’s the problem?

Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!

Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!

I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.

I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.

“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”

Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?

Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?

Me: oh.

Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?

Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.

If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.

I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today

At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of

*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)

Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?

Me: NO! *eats it*

Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.

Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.

Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*

Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.

Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.

Bringing back this classic

Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”

Have you ever been so jealous of an idea

The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.

Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sock

The End

I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.

My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.

“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”

I’m gonna need a lot more than that.

business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves

Please join me in a moment of silence for the wasabi almond that just rolled under my fridge. Godspeed, little buddy. We shall meet again when it’s time to get a new refrigerator and not a moment sooner. Give my best to your new blueberry friends.

I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!

Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?

If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.

If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.

Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.