Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]

11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep

Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?

Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!

2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.

2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.

I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?

My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.

Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*

Fun Fact:

Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.

Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.

WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?

ME: *climbing in* I can try

I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching

putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler

Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.

In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.

Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.

accurate

I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.

Today is the day I go back to the gym.

Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.

kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?

my four year old: a pizza shop

me: *fills out her application to harvard*

Anakin: Want to go out?

Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.

Anakin:

Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.

day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.

I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.

*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!

Thank you, they came with the frame.

I didn’t have to shower alone today…..

Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?

The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.

Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?

dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river

If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.

[my first day as a psychologist]

patient: i’ve been hearing voices

me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours

if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell

Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.

Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?

God: peanuts

Elephant: what?

God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*

Elephant:

God: all of them