Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
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Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
Me: Do you have a Summer menu?
Waiter: We have a menu at all times of the year. Otherwise people couldn’t select food and beverage options.
Me:
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
receive Botox for severe facial tics and before I get the shots, I smear a numbing cream all over my face (because the shots are painful). When my neurologist came in the room and asked how I was, I said “I can’t feel my face when I’m with you.” I thought it was funny🤷♀️
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
I bring a box of bandaids with me to sprinkle about the pool to keep it from getting too crowded
Told the assistant at the eye doctor’s I thought my eyes got worse, but they haven’t. My glasses were dirty.