Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete

Uterus: cry

Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-

Uterus: CRY.

That eye roll….

Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave

Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down

Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.

I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*

I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.

My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”

………. she’s my 3rd kid.

for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago

Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?

Wall-E is probably the most human love story of all: little gremlin man that collects cool shit meets shiny lady that wants him to have more plants.

Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.

I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.

I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.

My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.

Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.

Me at 2 a.m.:

Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?

WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father

a gay boyfriend is kinda like a brother you have sex with

*sets up 10 security questions for online account*

*clicks on “remember me”*

Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?

I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.

We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident

ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are

ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope

ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes

What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender

*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*

i love re-reading my favorite book

The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.

“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”

-Marilyn Monroe

Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.

Me: Okay. When will that be?

Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.