Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
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Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
i wish there was a way to online shoplift 🙁
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
At my elementary “graduation” my teacher was retiring, and the teacher giving the speech kept saying the event was about her, which was odd. But now my family has a running joke with every graduation, award, wedding etc where we go “Congrats, but really this is about Ms.—–“
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break