Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
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I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
you’ve destroyed the sanctity of this gazebo you belligerent fool
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
Well. That’s not a good sign.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
Tequila should come with a label saying “this may cause you to pick trash off the interstate in an orange jumpsuit on the weekends.”
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!