Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
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A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
Me: did you find the problem?
Plumber: toilet goblin.
Me: a what?
Plumber: *welding the seat lid closed* toilet. goblin.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
I was visiting my parents yesterday and found this. I’m their only child.
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
I used to think popcorn poppers were only good for making popcorn. How right I was!
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
tell em, edith-anne
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.