Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
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Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
Always a housemaid, never a house.
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
Hey man be careful on the trampoline one of my buddies never came back down
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]Niece: do you have a friend?
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you