Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
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I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
this summer i’m going cicada mode (emerging briefly from my house and being really loud until i find a mate)
Who does Amazon think I am?
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
what’s the point then??
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.