Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
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Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
guilty
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village