Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
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*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
Ugh. Still no word from Disney about my RATATOUILLE sequel, where Remy the rat finds himself controlled by an even smaller creature. I was hoping to sell FLEA MIGNON by the end of May.
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
extrovert self made too many plans this month, introvert self is pissed
watching the vp debate, in any election year, is time you will never get back. time you could be using to learn a cool new skill. you could learn how to make pottery. you could make weird little bowls and shit
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
You deplete me
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.