Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune

I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.

Can you solve the riddle??

Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”

People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.

Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?

[giving commencement address at graduation]

“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”

I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.

Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played

If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.

Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!

Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about

The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.

*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?

Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.

He replied: My Mother-in-law!

We fist bumped.

Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*

Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.

Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?

*hands a turd to the teacher

Teacher: What’s this?!

Me: My dog ate my homework.

At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit

[reading The Night Before Christmas]

son: what’s a kerchief?

daughter: what’s a clatter?

son: what’s a sash?

daughter: what are coursers?

son: what’s soot?

daughter: what’s a peddler?

son: what’s a thistle?

me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.

The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower

If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up

~At a snowboarding store.

Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.

Me: i know

Him:…

Me: Wait, what, oh the board…

I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.

You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.

I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.

My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.

Tower: Where are you, pilot?

Pilot: I’m over Cologne.

Tower: Your pungent odour has not gone unnoticed, but where are you?

What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.

Wanna know what it’s like being married?

Chain yourself to a wild animal.

Now kick the animal.

if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too

Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really