promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
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It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
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I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
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CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
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You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!