Promising I won’t tell anyone your secret doesn’t include my husband. He’s basically my diary.
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Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
in the ocean
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
Let us remember him by his own last words: “Homemade jetpack, don’t fail me now.”
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys