Promising I won’t tell anyone your secret doesn’t include my husband. He’s basically my diary.
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When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
i saw a single tiktok in which a woman mispronounced gnocchi “yonkees” and unfortunately for everyone in my life i am going to say it that way forever now.
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
Fights fire with marshmallows
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.