Promising I won’t tell anyone your secret doesn’t include my husband. He’s basically my diary.
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Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
Time magazine should have a Worst Person of the Year
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.