Pronounce ‘bourgeoisie’ as if you were choking on a corndog.
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I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
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HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.