Pronounce ‘bourgeoisie’ as if you were choking on a corndog.
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#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
However I die, I want my tombstone to say “Unknown Local Man Found Eaten By Squirrels.”
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?