Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done

if someone would only design a type of headwear with some sort of built-in device to block the sun they’d probably make a fortune

Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers

Going into Monday like

Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.

I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!

I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.

A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this

“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.

Thanks for your email! Unfortunately, I have filled my pockets with stones and am making my way to the sea.

ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place

girls literally only want one thing..

Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math

Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached

People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.

aragorn: you have my sword

legolas: and my bow

gimli: and my axe

WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff

[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?

Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.

When you try jalapeños for the first time

Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.

Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”

FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!

ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on

My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.

I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.

I can turn wine into a one night stand.

Your move Jesus.

It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.

I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.

When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.

DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common

MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile

If social media platforms were weddings:

FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception

IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback

Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk

Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.