Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
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Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
Whenever I see anyone tweeting about donuts, I think “ugh”. Not because I’m disgusted by deep-fried sugary treats, but because those are the letters I want to insert into the spelling.
People get upset when you bring a karaoke machine to a funeral.
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.