Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
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Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
8: I wrote my list for Santa
Me: aren’t you going to ask how he is before you launch into your list of demands?
8: P.S. so…. how’s it going?
Me: perfect
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
every movie should have a part where it flashes MEANWHILE ON SKULL ISLAND and they show us what king kong up to
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.