Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
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I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
imagine getting destroyed like this
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
Dudes named Chance never had one.
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me