Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
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My daughter: Dad, your hair is getting ridiculous. Like, do something about that bald spot.
Me: Why you little … Don’t make me combover there.
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
i actually laughed 😩
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
bought wrong eggs
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?