Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
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date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
typical orange cat and void cat behavior
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
I’m surprised to learn very few people wash their undies in the kitchen sink
Anyhow HR wants to have another “chat”
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
an airline just for babies.
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
I’d always wondered what happen to those guys!
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.