*pronounces bondage like corsage.
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One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
It’s okay to have a favorite child, especially if one of your kids is great at baking.
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.