*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
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IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
me and the Superbowl rn
Hey Fugeddaboutit
we really living in the the most difficult section of someone’s AP gov exam in 2053