*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
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Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
If you don’t like coffee, you’re probably just not putting enough Baileys in it
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Big Sex has us all fooled
No thanks, social media influencers. I prefer making decisions the old-fashioned way: under the influence of alcohol.
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”