Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
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“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
If you get bit by a radioactive cicada, you can only fight crime every seventeen years.
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
“dress for the job you want”
There’s a job you want???
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
The perfect Venn diagram doesn’t exis-
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
Just so you know, it’s almost impossible to drink coffee while laying down.
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn