Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
You Might Also Like
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
it sucks that the 2020 election’s approach of both candidates offering us competing stimulus checks has vanished. please bring that back. please bribe us with money.
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh