*pronounces carrot like tarot*
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Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth