*pronounces carrot like tarot*
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“i am a sweet baby”
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
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-Octopus preparing for a fight
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
Getting married soon just need a spouse
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock