*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
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“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
me: do you think he’ll ever walk again
wife: [recording baby’s first steps] yes
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
wife is going to Sarajevo for work and my father in law was like “be careful, that is not a safe country, archduke Franz Ferdinand was shot there”
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
who can I pay to hit me in the head with a baseball bat so I go into a coma for exactly 2 weeks and one day
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
Hear me out:
Ice T, Ice Cube and Vanilla Ice form a supergroup and they call it “The Refreshments”
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho