*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
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My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
I wonder if my daughter and her roommate understand that all this stuff has to fit in one dorm.
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
Nobody remembers you winning the 4th grade award for ‘Best Penmanship’, but everyone remembers the one time you called the teacher “mum”.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
“So basically, they’ll either be able to go back 10 seconds by tapping this one, or about an hour and a half by pressing this one and leaving it for over 0.3 of a second”
“Anything in between?”
“Nope”
[Standing ovation]
“Rewind” department meeting at streaming service HQ.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
older people are often wiser and smarter than younger people, because they have usually seen more movies
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.