*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
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DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Short story
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
Putting my Christmas tree up today. Big day for my cats
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
[going out]
other moms: have fun, be safe!
my mom: I don’t want to see you on Dateline later
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
will i understand Nosferatu if i haven’t seen Nosfera 1
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
divorce is so weird why do I have an ex-aunt
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.