Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
You Might Also Like
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
Perfection.
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
ＮＯＡＨ．ＴＨＥＹ ＨＡＶＥ ＴＯ ＢＥ ＡＬＩＶＥ
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.