Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
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My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
Used makeup concealer on a zit with an artistic precision that would rival da Vinci.
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
im gay on my mothers side
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
how to have an accident 101
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then